Jan 13, 2010

Toying with Me

To my dogs:

  1. Why do you pounce on your toys?
    Does it make you feel tough when you jump onto inanimate plush objects? Or nylabones? Do you truly think you are saving me from that fuzzy lamb? Do you forget you are a completely domesticated animal and actually think you are out in the wild among dangerous predators?

  2. Why do you de-gut your non-threatening toys?
    Is is because you don't enjoy the toy anymore and wish to put an end to it? Do you just love playing with it so much that you get carried away? Did you expect hidden treasures in there? Does the squeaker drive you nuts as it does me? Were you being heroic and making sure it could not possibly at all in any way, pose a threat to me?

  3. Out of the dozens of toys available at any given moment, why are you both always fighting over the same one?
    What's wrong with you each playing with your own? You could each have 6 to yourself at any given moment if you wanted to.
  4. Out of the dozens of toys available at any given moment, why do you insist on the saliva-soaked, foamy, smelly one?
    When it's wet, it's cold and smelly. What about that is pleasant?
  5. Why do you put your toys in danger of getting stuck in places when you know you can't get it out?
    And then cry about it. I can understand when you hide it in the blankets and try to dig it back out, but not when you get it stuck in places that obviously require opposable thumbs. In particular, under the couch and under the TV.
  6. Why do you stand 6" in front of me when I toss you a toy?
    Is it really that much fun to catch it 6 inches from my hand? Over and over and over again? Back up a good 10' for some fun once in a while!
  7. Why do you both drink from one water dish when you each have your own?
  8. Why do you stalk each other?
    I know you are herding breeds, but do you think by laying low to the ground outside in the middle of our flat, non-grassy lawn that you somehow become invisible to the other one as well as the rest of the world? You are no more invisible to each other than two paddles on a ping pong table.
  9. Why do you eat poop? Seriously, why?
  10. Why don't you chew?
    When humans eat chicken or steak, we savor the flavors by chewing, which is also imperative in the digestive process. You also have taste buds and digestive organs, and teeth (far superior teeth). So why not use them when you eat?!?!
  11. Why are you surprised when you pass gas?
    As "smart" beasts, do you have to make such a stupid looking gesture? Do you really need to sniff you own rear end to figure out that it was you that cut the cheese? And every time?
For such intelligent creatures, I would really like to know. Please get back to me soon, k? Thx.

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